I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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