I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
