I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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