Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
