just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
