That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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