just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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