She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
