If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
The uberlube is also flammable
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
