I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm too high and old for this...
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
