I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just gift wrapped bread.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
