I accidentally burped into my bong.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
