The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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