Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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