Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
