I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
