sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
