explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
