Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
