Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
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You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
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If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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