I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
