my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
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I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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