honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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