Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
