Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You ate ashes out of my bong
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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