I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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