WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
