I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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