My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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