There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
