I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
