90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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