There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
