I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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