I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
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I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
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So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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