she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
