you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
