"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
She's the barista slut.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
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