And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
These 25 Women First Experienced Sexual Harassment At A Shocking Age
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm experimenting with sincerity