I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
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She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
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This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.