i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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