She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
