Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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