i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
