two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
