Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
So squirting runs in the family.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
