i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
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this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
You're like the curious george of whores
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
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She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
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