i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
