Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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