I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
