I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I woke up under a house in Key West
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