Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
