Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize