Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
