Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
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A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
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Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
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