DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
